guns

A handwritten love letter changes everything.

I am a series of small victories and large defeats and I am as amazed as any other that I have gotten from there to here.

I've wanted to write about this for a very long time, but i've not quite had the notion on how to proceed. I've always had the words, but never the right way to say them. I've been scared way beyond my comfort zone and to be honest, i still am.

There is no possible way for me to ever express my care for you. No time nor space would room the fumbling words that would rattle and shake out of my mouth in trying to explain what you, our friendship and your place in my everyday means. Throughout my life, in various situations i have been dealt the role as the one to tough it out and hold the pieces together. I have learned to swallow my own cold sadness and put on the most decent smile i had. But with you it was different. I knew i couldn't pretend. I tried. But it was bigger than me. I needed you! I needed you to be who you were when i left. I needed you to be strong. I needed you to tell me everything was going to be okay.

I needed you to not leave me..

Being away from you during your treatment is one of my biggest regrets. My prayers never seemed to be long enough and it felt we couldn't possibly be any further apart. Yet, i couldn't even see your face or hear your voice without breaking down. You were so strong. So vivid. So brave. You chose hope and that made everything possible. Oh friend, i wish i could turn back time and take every single step with you. I wish I had a magic wand to make it go away. But you fought a war most soldiers would never survive and THAT makes you my hero. Forever is an understatement of how long you and i are gonna be you and i.

Iloveyou.

Closer.

This happens every time. Every time i think something makes us stronger, makes us hold on tighter and fight harder, this happens. I can't even control it. It's like it's become "part of the drill" with you and me. There's always something in my face reminding me things will never just be. I can't explain, i don't understand, don't ask, just pull me closer.

Homieloverfriend.

There are certain things i will never understand why you tell me. Ugh.

Fall love, into my arms.

This past month may just have been one of the most emotional months for me in a very long time. I have been going through things i hadn't imagined going through at this point of my life which has made me re-think a lot of things i thought i was certain of. There are people i have secretly pinned down as "the ones who will always be there", who has now given me a whole other point of view. Perhaps due to distance. Perhaps due to time. Or simply the fact that i shut down and out whenever i enter this stage of existence. I can't explain and I'm not sure i want to. Giving others the perfect reasons why i act like i do, kind of means i have all the answers. Which i don't. Quite far from actually. I've never the right words to say, the right things to do nor the correct way to act. But i feel! I feel every single drop of life thrown at me. I cant wait until i’m able to put a concrete label on myself. I would like to be able to say that i am something - that i do something so frequently, that i have immersed myself so completely in it, that i have become it in essence. I want to be able to say that i am a writer or a photographer or an artist or an editor or a musician and know that it means something.

And somewhere in the middle of all this jizz, i would like to mean the world to someone out there. I would like to set someone's soul on fire with love and desire. -Let me touch you with the clasp of my hand and the roots of my words. Let me lick your lower lip while it's dark and let's forget about the world, if only for one night.

"These buildings could drift out to sea, some natural catastrophe, still there's no place I'd rather be."

I MISS YOUR TONGUE ON MY LIPS.

♡

"Some automatic device clicked in her big brain, and her knees felt weak, and there was a chilly feeling in her stomach. She was in love with this man.
They don’t make memories like that anymore."

Manila nights/McKinley lights.

Hello and sorry or something.

I have been around the world, flying in and out of what i believe has been my sanctuary and never being there long enough to please my satisfaction. I am always on the move, always saying hello which leads to always having to say goodbye. But i now own the greatest love stories and most perfect tales of dancing in the moonlight. It is a love/hate relationship i have committed to for life. I have ranted about this blessing/curse of mine in the past and will therefor not get too deep into it now. I am here, i am living, i am loving and i am ridiculously feelin' it.

Hello 7am Manila lights, it's us again.

You

Are the best thing.

Uh oh. Boy trouble.

You.

Out of all the people who have entered my life, how did you get into my heart? Who are you, where did you come from, why me? How you??

At times i wonder if you're superhuman. The powerful ability you have to leave me breathless and drive me close to insanity by lightly brushing your fingertips over my collarbone or the way your hand always finds mine no matter what surroundings we are in. Amazing. Four weeks, that's all it took. Four weeks for me to fall in love with you. I mean, i always loved you in lifetimes before, but i never completely fell until the moment you catched me. Now i am safe. My heart is where it needs to be. You were all it took. It was all necessary to make you possible in my life. All the time and what came with it. In the end, every cranny lead me straight to your nook. The nook where you secretly kept me.

When darkness enters my side of the world and i lay in bed quiescent and still, while the hours pass like seconds and i find myself racing with daylight; it always takes me back to the day i left you. And i get sad, and my heart starts beating triple speed trying to keep up with the thoughts in my mind. All my emotions take complete control over my body and i am left with nothing to hold on to but the wind.

Then there it is. Every single memory. Every touch. Every feeling. every word you ever said. And it all makes perfect sense. It's you. It's always been you. I never believed that things happen for a reason. But the way this turned out, removed all my doubts. And believe me, that for you i'd do it all over again.

I can't breathe without you but i have to.

I wanted more of him, I always did. No matter what happened between us in the past, I already knew I’d never forget anything about him. As crazy as it sounds, he has become part of me and every night I am dreading the fact that we wont be able to spend the day together tomorrow. Or the day after, or the day after that. But this moment we have created is so real, the feeling alone keeps me safe.