by; F.R
I'm not even out of bed and i am already falling apart.
A couple of days ago i had the most extreme lash-out/melt-down in the history of lash-outs/melt-downs. I lost complete control and let the situation i was in get the best of me. Thinking of it makes me sick to pieces. Extremely few people in my life leads me to do that. But when a certain amount of emotions are put on the table, i am done!
Nonetheless, every burn is a lesson learned and strange as it is, i think it brought us closer.
K, bye.
A moment in your gravity.
I've wanted to write about this for a very long time, but i've not quite had the notion on how to proceed. I've always had the words, but never the right way to say them. I've been scared way beyond my comfort zone and to be honest, i still am.
There is no possible way for me to ever express my care for you. No time nor space would room the fumbling words that would rattle and shake out of my mouth in trying to explain what you, our friendship and your place in my everyday means. Throughout my life, in various situations i have been dealt the role as the one to tough it out and hold the pieces together. I have learned to swallow my own cold sadness and put on the most decent smile i had. But with you it was different. I knew i couldn't pretend. I tried. But it was bigger than me. I needed you! I needed you to be who you were when i left. I needed you to be strong. I needed you to tell me everything was going to be okay.
I needed you to not leave me..
Being away from you during your treatment is one of my biggest regrets. My prayers never seemed to be long enough and it felt we couldn't possibly be any further apart. Yet, i couldn't even see your face or hear your voice without breaking down. You were so strong. So vivid. So brave. You chose hope and that made everything possible. Oh friend, i wish i could turn back time and take every single step with you. I wish I had a magic wand to make it go away. But you fought a war most soldiers would never survive and THAT makes you my hero. Forever is an understatement of how long you and i are gonna be you and i.
Iloveyou.
Closer.
This happens every time. Every time i think something makes us stronger, makes us hold on tighter and fight harder, this happens. I can't even control it. It's like it's become "part of the drill" with you and me. There's always something in my face reminding me things will never just be. I can't explain, i don't understand, don't ask, just pull me closer.
Fall love, into my arms.
This past month may just have been one of the most emotional months for me in a very long time. I have been going through things i hadn't imagined going through at this point of my life which has made me re-think a lot of things i thought i was certain of. There are people i have secretly pinned down as "the ones who will always be there", who has now given me a whole other point of view. Perhaps due to distance. Perhaps due to time. Or simply the fact that i shut down and out whenever i enter this stage of existence. I can't explain and I'm not sure i want to. Giving others the perfect reasons why i act like i do, kind of means i have all the answers. Which i don't. Quite far from actually. I've never the right words to say, the right things to do nor the correct way to act. But i feel! I feel every single drop of life thrown at me. I cant wait until i’m able to put a concrete label on myself. I would like to be able to say that i am something - that i do something so frequently, that i have immersed myself so completely in it, that i have become it in essence. I want to be able to say that i am a writer or a photographer or an artist or an editor or a musician and know that it means something.
And somewhere in the middle of all this jizz, i would like to mean the world to someone out there. I would like to set someone's soul on fire with love and desire. -Let me touch you with the clasp of my hand and the roots of my words. Let me lick your lower lip while it's dark and let's forget about the world, if only for one night.
♡
"Some automatic device clicked in her big brain, and her knees felt weak, and there was a chilly feeling in her stomach. She was in love with this man.
They don’t make memories like that anymore."
Hello and sorry or something.
I have been around the world, flying in and out of what i believe has been my sanctuary and never being there long enough to please my satisfaction. I am always on the move, always saying hello which leads to always having to say goodbye. But i now own the greatest love stories and most perfect tales of dancing in the moonlight. It is a love/hate relationship i have committed to for life. I have ranted about this blessing/curse of mine in the past and will therefor not get too deep into it now. I am here, i am living, i am loving and i am ridiculously feelin' it.
Uh oh. Boy trouble.
You.
Out of all the people who have entered my life, how did you get into my heart? Who are you, where did you come from, why me? How you??
At times i wonder if you're superhuman. The powerful ability you have to leave me breathless and drive me close to insanity by lightly brushing your fingertips over my collarbone or the way your hand always finds mine no matter what surroundings we are in. Amazing. Four weeks, that's all it took. Four weeks for me to fall in love with you. I mean, i always loved you in lifetimes before, but i never completely fell until the moment you catched me. Now i am safe. My heart is where it needs to be. You were all it took. It was all necessary to make you possible in my life. All the time and what came with it. In the end, every cranny lead me straight to your nook. The nook where you secretly kept me.
When darkness enters my side of the world and i lay in bed quiescent and still, while the hours pass like seconds and i find myself racing with daylight; it always takes me back to the day i left you. And i get sad, and my heart starts beating triple speed trying to keep up with the thoughts in my mind. All my emotions take complete control over my body and i am left with nothing to hold on to but the wind.
Then there it is. Every single memory. Every touch. Every feeling. every word you ever said. And it all makes perfect sense. It's you. It's always been you. I never believed that things happen for a reason. But the way this turned out, removed all my doubts. And believe me, that for you i'd do it all over again.
I can't breathe without you but i have to.
I wanted more of him, I always did. No matter what happened between us in the past, I already knew I’d never forget anything about him. As crazy as it sounds, he has become part of me and every night I am dreading the fact that we wont be able to spend the day together tomorrow. Or the day after, or the day after that. But this moment we have created is so real, the feeling alone keeps me safe.
The power of you.
For once, we are falling into this. It's not forced. I'm not afraid. It is perfect. It is weightless and i am floating. It's the most intense experience i have ever taken part of and i am tripping the fuck out and stumbling over your words every other minute. I love this. We get so crazy together and it's so amazing. It's like my heart is a drum and i am made up of millions of tiny molecules that are tenderly combined and the sudden you speak they explode and this is new to me but i am alive. You are always a part of my sadness and the fragment of my love and laughter. I am experiencing rapture and everything that can ever be experienced all at once. The speed of darkness takes me right to you. I don't control it anymore. I have closed my eyes and given myself to the sky. There seems to be no other security but your words. Wrap them around me twice and take my hand forever.
Your skin and bones turn into something beautiful.
I refer to you with the most beautiful words i know of. I dream of your touch in ways i can't express. When you look at me, i can hardly breathe. You are a substance of addiction injected in my veins, like a high i can't get down from. Everything in my whole body tells me this is real. Even parts of my heart. Yet there is a constant battle with my mind and it's need to have it all figured out. I don't have any of the right answers or the correct words to say. I want to be tough and let go of all my silly "worries", but i don't know if it's fair to myself or even to you. My life right now is everything but steady. My dreams and aspirations are in constant movement. Things seem to be happening the way they should but that doesn't mean i know where i belong.
I've always thought of the world as a tiny place with invincible mirrored walls that gives us the perception of endlessness. Walls nobody but i knew of. Until recently.. Distance has taken on a whole new meaning. Homesickness is a state of mind for me. I’m always missing someone or someplace or something, i’m always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. My life has been one long longing. Where does this end? I mean, I'm happy, i really am. I have the most incredible family by blood and an even more incredible family by choice, my friends. I love you. But i need to belong somewhere, i need to put my bags down and rest my heart. I just don't know how do go about that right now. I don't even know if it will ever come to me.
It is said that the longest 12 inches in life is the distance between ones heart and mind. Well i am officially lost along that road. No left turn seems to be right and every attempt of going right turns out wrong. I wish you would save me. I'm not ready to grow up yet. I am forever a child with a heart that has lived and loved for a hundred years. I need to figure my life out. I need to take all my dreams and make them real. Every single one of them. I need to create my future. Well not all of it, but at least a foundation. A place where i can love till i turn blue and just be. I am trying to maintain a certain amount of control over my own life. You see, i am a chronic dreamer. It might just be my curse in life. But i am way past ever trying to get over that. So what was i saying? Oh yea, i hope you belong to me. Because truth be told, my heart is your even we never speak of it again.
And everything that I said was true as the flashes blinded us in the photobooth.
How could i forget?? I found this great black and white photo-booth shot folded in my wallet from when we visited Berlin in july. Our mission was to squeeze as many people as we could into one of those old school "pop-a-coin" booths at bar25 (A M A Z I N G place i must add). Damn good times for sure! In this photo we only managed to fit four of us.. Whatta FAIL! haha. Anyway, Emma, Chris (StampD' LA, see you next month!) and Alex, our newfound German friend who i most absolute hope we get to meet again; Thanks for this!
Kiss with a fist.
Have you ever felt like being alone with your own thoughts is far more exhausting than being in a room filled with a million other people? Like writing a page in your diary drains you more than having an actual conversation with a person of highest social caliber? At times i fleet the real world to escape into my own universe, only to be reminded that's where the ultimate mental exhaustion lies. That's where it manifests itself physically.
Yet i could sleep forever. Over and over again. The thought of lying solely under the sky at the midst of midnight and tapping my fingers on whatever surface i am on to the rhythm of my heartbeat, contents me quietly. There are days where i am calm and collected and hardly even open my mouth, the days where i bother not to care.. Then comes the days where i am inescapably moody. Where i am in love with everyone and everything, including your husky voice which is a result of the 70-oz bottle of whisky you finished last night while dancing your life away.
I have to keep moving. Moving in my own way. If i stand still long enough, everything will fall apart. Keep me safe from seeing what my walls are not strong enough to keep out. I put my trust in you. I love you, whoever you are.
Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it didn't work out with anybody else.
I've been spending numerous hours out of every day bugging over how much i hate November this year. I never really liked November that much before, but this year i strongly prayed every night that October would be followed by December. That was a complete and utter fail. Why must the love that awaits me take such fucking time?? As fall turns into winter i quite naturally morph into a homebody, preferring solace in literature, making pretty things, having long and delicious meals by the dinner table, cuddling in front the fire-place & falling in love with your words. What is this? It's beautiful. Bittersweet. Please December, hurry up. I need to be held. And by one only.
Love letter to no one.
I wonder if he knows how fragile i am. How underneath my skin, i am secretly glued together by the weakest most breakable pieces of human being. How he most possibly and unknowingly has been given the power to devour me whole. Where the lightest touch, the slightest brush or the simplest movement towards my body would be enough to empower me with eternal love or heartbreak. I did not chose this. It was inevitable to escape. It was screaming our names and sucking the air right out of our lungs and right into each-other. I wonder how many letters i wrote "you" before i even knew you existed. How many times my heart would wake me up in the middle of the night reminding me that you weren't there. I fit perfectly in your embrace. It's like the world depends on me being in your arms.
Did i ever tell you your hand feels magic to hold? And that the silent sound your legs make while moving in our sheets while we lay in bed makes my fingers numb. I want to dance with you forever. Take my hand and dance with me. Don't ever let go. You said you would always hold me. This is perfect. I wish we could stay right here, in this now, eternally. I need to know that it’s possible for two people to stay happy together forever.
Pick me up from where i am laying and take me home.
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs.
Ok. So i think i might have gone mental. Not cray cray mental, but a slight form of going ko-ko. Theres this person/feeling/place i can't stop thinking about. It's making my nights shorter and causing larger much un-needed eyebugs. Or actually it's making my nights hella much longer and my sleep shorter. My bed has become a place where i twist and turn and roll my eyes in complete darkness to whoever controls WHENTHEFUCK my body is supposed to shut down for the night. The inside of my blanket is always too hot and my pillow's never cold enough. It's like my days magically added another 10 hours to it and now the hours in what seems like my never ending days has 500.000 minutes in them! Yea, uh-huh, ok.
Have you ever wanted something/someone or wanted to be somewhere so bad it feels like you might be on the verge of complete and total RIDICULOUS insanity?? This shit is driving me crazy up the walls with no ceiling. My soul is a circle i can't get around and I have developed awkward sleeping patterns. Terribly awkward and erratic sleeping patterns. Actually, i really don’t think there’s much of a pattern.
K, gotta go.
I go out friday night, come home saturday morning and fall into your arms on sunday.
Summer was here. I stayed pale as a winters night.
bymike.
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