I have about a million secrets. Guess 9 and i will tell you the remaining ones. I'm not trying to be without you at the right moments.
Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person goodnight.
I used to think i left my heart in Manila. But looking at these photos of our summer get-away from my last stay in the Philippines, id say i left bits of it at the beach. In the ocean. By the sea shore and to the wind.
A week spent at this wonderful resort at the very end of the island with amazing people, exquisite food and drinks, amazing adventures and licking sun from wooden boats in the crystal clear ocean. Our days were lazy, lovely, care-free and long, while we let the fresh breeze of saltwater, sand and crazy energy take us into the night. Out of control, drunk, creative, humid, wet, wild and beyond anything you could ever imagine would be the perfect description of every single one of us after the sun went down. Nothing else mattered than the moment we were in. We were together, we were loving, we were crazy, we were beautiful and we hadn't a single care or limitation. It was like the ocean gave us the power to be whatever we wanted to be and it somehow made us a hundred times lighter.
The islands are such a perfect place to love and sing new songs. To fall in love over and over again. Everything is wonderful, everyone are beautiful and there are no wrong moments. It is plain and simple euphoria. I want to take you here someday, for i wish to see that perfect sunset, wake up to that perfect sunrise and enjoy every single wave of perfection each minute brings to land, with you.
"Come with me, come with me, let's travel till infinity".
I will always move in my own way. I want you to move with me. I looked at your photos again today. As i so often do when i need a reminder of perfection. I have my favorites. I remember you vividly. You look so good i wanna throw myself in a hay of autumn leaves and faint. Do you know what i mean? You don't wanna die, you just wanna throw yourself into something close to free falling. With a little bit of sparkle. No, a lot of sparkle. I am floating somewhere between wow and speechless. Don't save me. Simply float with me. My love.
Started today with my favorite voice on the other line. Perfect morning. I've been bumping this one song on repeat since then. It's so sexy. The beat is pounding through my body and the lyrics are hella hot. I turned the volume up to a ridic high level. People probably think im on some cray cray sexy-time shit. Of course im not telling what song im tripping over. K, bye.
“You know that feeling? That feeling when you just want the right thing to fall into the right place, not only because it’s right, but because it will mean that such a thing is still possible? I want to believe that.”
"But I can be alone without her, I just have no wish to be. There’s no reason on earth why I should be alone without her. There’s nothing more important than our relationship, nothing. And we dig being together all the time. Both of us could survive apart but what for? I’m not going to sacrifice love, real love for any whore or any friend or any business, because in the end you’re alone at night and neither of us want to be. And you can’t fill a bed with groupies. It doesn’t work. I don’t want to be a swinger. I’ve been through it all and nothing works better than to have someone you love hold you."
It is raining heavily and quite beautifully in my city this afternoon, time doesn't seem to pass and everything is lazy. I am sunken comfortably on one of the many huge persian rugs in my home. That's one of my favorite things to do when solo; walk around barefoot on enormous carpets that are softer than most things i normally walk on. Fall has completely and uncontrollably taken over my life. Summer is gone with it's memories and winter is waiting secretly to give me new ones. My departure is creeping up faster than i expected. In a little over a month, ill be gone. Again. Away from them. Again. Yet closer to you. Again.
Leaving is such a bittersweet word to me. I always leave. Willingly or not, that's what i do. I leave the ones i love, allow new lovers to create clasps, then leave them too. I always come back tho, but everything changes. Usually to the better. Loving gets stronger, missing gets larger, reuniting gets more intense but leaving gets harder. I haven't figured out if it is my curse or my blessing. I mean, i am extremely blessed with everything i own. Not in form of material things, but in form of family, friends, surroundings, experiences and comfortability. All i know is that i love too much. Or nothing at all. I am scared shitless to commit to something that will someday make me stay. I am too fragile to be left. I guess that's why. But I am ready for whatever is thrown at me. I think. Just promise to always take care of me and never ever leave me. You have to promise. You have to point at the stars and promise.
The sky is clearing up as the night takes to dance and the rain flees to it's next city of words and perfect tunes.
My empty hotel. Swedish/Italian Julia. A lifetime's stock of Manila bangles and my gawky need to always photo. Hi, it's me again. Let's do this forever.
You had me the very moment i laid my eyes on you. It was quite involuntary. I am for you. I truly am. But quite frankly I'm terrified to stay.
Suddenly though, everything is slow, and i miss you.
Yea, it's personal.
You have to make your own little pieces of magic, like the room with the stars on the ceiling where you could be in bed and look up at infinity.
Distance, you blow.
"Not that i loved you less, but i loved him more". Antithesis. I am totally hung up on this word today. The definition of it and all the ways to use it. I have scribbled down about a hundred sentences in my notebook for the past hour and can't seem to stop. I love how my mind dissects words as the words dissect my mind right back in hope to be understood.
This used to be my playground. The only place in the world i had total control over just by existing. Every nook and cranny i knew by heart. The same heart that had never loved. I explored the unknown with my face to the sky, hands straight out to each side, screaming as loud as i could and grasping every breath of un-familiarity in my reach. Every passing minute was another chance to turn it all around. "Whoever you are, i am amazed. Your world is my un-touched ground and i am here to be taken."
The little things.. there's nothing bigger, is there? It all simply lies in our own perception. The way we decide to size and chalk things up. It is quite amazing how the simplest moment to one has no further significance than the obvious, when to another it's more than just that moment. I love the idea of that.
I know that i have been posting like a typical girl lately. And i know that this is not normally of my kind as i am notorious for my vulgar way of expressing myself and i know i might possibly have turned into a walking cliche. But i am fucking happy. Happier than i have been in a while. The addiction of conversation has reached another level of 24/dailyy and it's quite simply out of my control at this point. I'm not hating it. Quite the contrary. K, thanks.
There are so many things i want to tell you. So many words id like to say. I have perfect images in my mind of what it would look like and the sound of me saying the right words at the right time is ameliorate. I try to tell you how you make me feel, but always end up vomiting a whole bucket of rambling words shooting in different directions. Yes, they are all words of love, but i wish they came out in the same order as they are piled up as in my head. I have never been too good with words. I mean sure, i can write. but i never know just what to say, how to speak. It’s as though my mouth is not fully connected to my brain and somewhere along the line my thoughts are lost in translation. I want to leave my words everywhere for you to pick up and wrap around you forever. I want the sound of my voice to keep you safe.
"He made her feel invincible simply by calling her lovely when they hung up the phone".
While jumping up and down on my bed I screamed from the top of my lungs as i pointed at the fake stars how much i fucking liked him and wanted to be with him forever and kiss him for eternityyyyy. Then I fell back onto the bed, into his arms, and we cracked up together.
As i was playing my piano this morning and the little finger on my right hand started to get numb from me trying to play pieces requiring it to be stretched over ridiculous amounts of keys, i figured it all out.
I want nothing more than to battle covers in bed with you. Forever. And if you ever decided to leave me i would go out and find you and bring you home because you would be wrong.
It's mid october and i am leaving in less than two months. Leaving. The thought of it causes vibrations through my body i knew not existed. This time everything will be even more perfect. The thing is that, i think you forgot. Not that i am leaving, but that my return here is uncertain. I think in the middle of being completely and disgustingly wrapped up in your own sad perception of this momentary happiness and not taking a single minute to think of the consequences of the things you do, you forgot. It's quite embarrassing actually. The way you wander off thinking so highly of yourself. I never would have thought.. Not you. There's absolutely no reason in me elaborating on this, for you know who you are. Im done with sticking up for you and all the shady things you do to the people around you. If they had the slightest idea. To think that i know all of your deepest darkest secrets and every inkling corner of your life (till recently that is), i don't understand how you dare to even. I wish you find what you are looking for. This is me letting go. I don't miss you now, i only miss you then. But i will also leave it at that. I will leave you at that.
I love the way you make it home at the end of every weekend and we spend hours having the most amazing conversations coz i miss you like a tool and i feel ridiculous about it really but i can't help it that i think of you in the back of my head in everything that i do and that i secretly hate that the streets keep you away from me for days at a time but it's your hustle and i like you beyond explainable that's why it's cool.
What attracts me is something broken. I never comb my hair. When people look too beautiful, it's too easy. If you are perfect, there is no great achievement. I know I'm dressed wrong if the businessman turns his head. But I like to think that after an hour of sitting next to me on the train, he'd look. I'd have grown on him. One can dress like a tramp and have a little chanel bag, and look so chic. I love the idea of that. K, bye.
He said he was hurt, but he was proud of me. Everyday.
All i ever needed was you.
Tiny shivers, touches so light/
Your lips on my collarbone, please spend the night/
Un-opened heart, legs apart/
Given and taken, she was his from the start/
Rhythm and motion, no moves left un-done/
With their limbs tangled, secrets she had none/
Kissing him here, there, while grasping her shape/
Breathing heavy, realizing, there was no escape/
Heart was open, legs unite/
Fear was gone, she was his for the morning, forever, tonight/
January 2009. Besides posing like a legit choir girl, this was the winner of the shiny-hurr-day. Gaah. Dinner at Greenbelt with two of my favorite people in the world. You know who you are. Im back to love you soon. Why can't everyday be "carefree, humid, waking up with beautiful people scattered around a crazy condo in Manila" day?
When he thinks of her he thinks of her in colors non existent. When he speaks of her there are no ways in possibly trying to understand. The way she moves is hopeless to describe. Like whatever it was he felt for her. It was a feeling so strong, so unfamiliar and so perfect he wanted to invent a whole new world, solely for that feeling. That feeling of HER.
"They would stay there forever.. Together, alone. Amongst dirty talkin' and sexy walkin'."
Fall has arrived. The trees are bare and the ground the contrary. Everything is illuminating and it seems to be swirling around in a big whirlwind of leaves, sweet memories of summer, vague thoughts of winter, the current love for fall and thoughts of you. I love fall. All writers loves fall. Not that i am a writer. But i love and i write and it's all here nonetheless. Fall gets the upper me going. My mind and what i think, my heart and what i feel, my eyes and what i see, my lips and what i speak and my ears and all i hear. Enhanced. Everything around me. Enhanced and exaggerated to the highest level. Im so emotional it's not even funny. But it's lovely. Im a mess, i don't mind. You shouldn't either.
I hope my love swirls in your direction and that you catch it and do with it what you want. Whoever you are. Exaggerate the words you say and the kisses you blow away. For if you can make her happy, what are you waiting for?
You kiss me like a bon voyage
A secret souvenir collage
Overalls and waterparks
T-tops and baby sharks
Dragon rolls and frozen juice
Making out in photobooths
"I just want us to fight over who's hogging the blanket at night, you know?"
We always did have the most amazing conversations. I kind of forgot. Now i remember.
“I want to play hide-and-seek and give you my clothes and tell you I like your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath and massage your back and kiss your neck and hold your hand and go for a meal and not mind when you eat my food and talk about the day and type your letters and carry your boxes and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don’t listen to and watch great films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio and take pictures of you when you’re sleeping and have you steal my cigarettes and never be able to find a match and not laugh at your jokes and want you in the morning but let you sleep for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes your lips your neck your ass your..
and sit on the steps smoking till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps smoking till you come home and worry when you’re late and be amazed when you’re early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance till I’m black&blue and be sorry when I’m wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I’d known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you’re angry and tell you you’re gorgeous and hug you when you’re anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I’m next to you and whimper when I’m not and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don’t and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand why you think I’m rejecting you when I’m not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I’d ever reject you and wonder who you are but accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest girl who flew across the ocean because she loved you
and write poems for you and wonder why you don’t believe me and have a feeling so deep I can’t find words for it and want to buy you a pet I’d get jealous of because it would get more attention than me and keep you in bed when you have to go and cry like a baby when you finally do and buy you presents you don’t want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don’t mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it’s empty without you and want what you want and think I’m losing myself but know I’m safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don’t deserve any less and answer your questions when I’d rather not and tell you the truth when I really don’t want to and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it’s all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it’s a beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and make love with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you.”
I wish i had the ability to translate all of Up Dharma Down's tagalog songs to english and still manage to overwhelm you with the same emotions that they empower me with. It's quite the unexplainable high i reach. Silly? Perhaps. True? More than. I need to tell you how i feel. With exact words. You should know.
I wish i could escape. Evaporate. To where you are. Just for a while. Quiescent and still. Lay in perfect position. Me on my belly and you on my bum. Loves.
So how does this work? Do i call you up in the middle of the night when i want to hear your voice? Im bursting out of my skin here. All i want is to see you. Hear you. Feel you. I don't care in what way as long as it's in everything that i do.
It's you i can't deny.