For once, we are falling into this. It's not forced. I'm not afraid. It is perfect. It is weightless and i am floating. It's the most intense experience i have ever taken part of and i am tripping the fuck out and stumbling over your words every other minute. I love this. We get so crazy together and it's so amazing. It's like my heart is a drum and i am made up of millions of tiny molecules that are tenderly combined and the sudden you speak they explode and this is new to me but i am alive. You are always a part of my sadness and the fragment of my love and laughter. I am experiencing rapture and everything that can ever be experienced all at once. The speed of darkness takes me right to you. I don't control it anymore. I have closed my eyes and given myself to the sky. There seems to be no other security but your words. Wrap them around me twice and take my hand forever.
Your skin and bones turn into something beautiful.
I refer to you with the most beautiful words i know of. I dream of your touch in ways i can't express. When you look at me, i can hardly breathe. You are a substance of addiction injected in my veins, like a high i can't get down from. Everything in my whole body tells me this is real. Even parts of my heart. Yet there is a constant battle with my mind and it's need to have it all figured out. I don't have any of the right answers or the correct words to say. I want to be tough and let go of all my silly "worries", but i don't know if it's fair to myself or even to you. My life right now is everything but steady. My dreams and aspirations are in constant movement. Things seem to be happening the way they should but that doesn't mean i know where i belong.
I've always thought of the world as a tiny place with invincible mirrored walls that gives us the perception of endlessness. Walls nobody but i knew of. Until recently.. Distance has taken on a whole new meaning. Homesickness is a state of mind for me. I’m always missing someone or someplace or something, i’m always trying to get back to some imaginary somewhere. My life has been one long longing. Where does this end? I mean, I'm happy, i really am. I have the most incredible family by blood and an even more incredible family by choice, my friends. I love you. But i need to belong somewhere, i need to put my bags down and rest my heart. I just don't know how do go about that right now. I don't even know if it will ever come to me.
It is said that the longest 12 inches in life is the distance between ones heart and mind. Well i am officially lost along that road. No left turn seems to be right and every attempt of going right turns out wrong. I wish you would save me. I'm not ready to grow up yet. I am forever a child with a heart that has lived and loved for a hundred years. I need to figure my life out. I need to take all my dreams and make them real. Every single one of them. I need to create my future. Well not all of it, but at least a foundation. A place where i can love till i turn blue and just be. I am trying to maintain a certain amount of control over my own life. You see, i am a chronic dreamer. It might just be my curse in life. But i am way past ever trying to get over that. So what was i saying? Oh yea, i hope you belong to me. Because truth be told, my heart is your even we never speak of it again.
And everything that I said was true as the flashes blinded us in the photobooth.
How could i forget?? I found this great black and white photo-booth shot folded in my wallet from when we visited Berlin in july. Our mission was to squeeze as many people as we could into one of those old school "pop-a-coin" booths at bar25 (A M A Z I N G place i must add). Damn good times for sure! In this photo we only managed to fit four of us.. Whatta FAIL! haha. Anyway, Emma, Chris (StampD' LA, see you next month!) and Alex, our newfound German friend who i most absolute hope we get to meet again; Thanks for this!
Kiss with a fist.
Have you ever felt like being alone with your own thoughts is far more exhausting than being in a room filled with a million other people? Like writing a page in your diary drains you more than having an actual conversation with a person of highest social caliber? At times i fleet the real world to escape into my own universe, only to be reminded that's where the ultimate mental exhaustion lies. That's where it manifests itself physically.
Yet i could sleep forever. Over and over again. The thought of lying solely under the sky at the midst of midnight and tapping my fingers on whatever surface i am on to the rhythm of my heartbeat, contents me quietly. There are days where i am calm and collected and hardly even open my mouth, the days where i bother not to care.. Then comes the days where i am inescapably moody. Where i am in love with everyone and everything, including your husky voice which is a result of the 70-oz bottle of whisky you finished last night while dancing your life away.
I have to keep moving. Moving in my own way. If i stand still long enough, everything will fall apart. Keep me safe from seeing what my walls are not strong enough to keep out. I put my trust in you. I love you, whoever you are.
Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it didn't work out with anybody else.
I've been spending numerous hours out of every day bugging over how much i hate November this year. I never really liked November that much before, but this year i strongly prayed every night that October would be followed by December. That was a complete and utter fail. Why must the love that awaits me take such fucking time?? As fall turns into winter i quite naturally morph into a homebody, preferring solace in literature, making pretty things, having long and delicious meals by the dinner table, cuddling in front the fire-place & falling in love with your words. What is this? It's beautiful. Bittersweet. Please December, hurry up. I need to be held. And by one only.
Love letter to no one.
I wonder if he knows how fragile i am. How underneath my skin, i am secretly glued together by the weakest most breakable pieces of human being. How he most possibly and unknowingly has been given the power to devour me whole. Where the lightest touch, the slightest brush or the simplest movement towards my body would be enough to empower me with eternal love or heartbreak. I did not chose this. It was inevitable to escape. It was screaming our names and sucking the air right out of our lungs and right into each-other. I wonder how many letters i wrote "you" before i even knew you existed. How many times my heart would wake me up in the middle of the night reminding me that you weren't there. I fit perfectly in your embrace. It's like the world depends on me being in your arms.
Did i ever tell you your hand feels magic to hold? And that the silent sound your legs make while moving in our sheets while we lay in bed makes my fingers numb. I want to dance with you forever. Take my hand and dance with me. Don't ever let go. You said you would always hold me. This is perfect. I wish we could stay right here, in this now, eternally. I need to know that it’s possible for two people to stay happy together forever.
Pick me up from where i am laying and take me home.
Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs.
Ok. So i think i might have gone mental. Not cray cray mental, but a slight form of going ko-ko. Theres this person/feeling/place i can't stop thinking about. It's making my nights shorter and causing larger much un-needed eyebugs. Or actually it's making my nights hella much longer and my sleep shorter. My bed has become a place where i twist and turn and roll my eyes in complete darkness to whoever controls WHENTHEFUCK my body is supposed to shut down for the night. The inside of my blanket is always too hot and my pillow's never cold enough. It's like my days magically added another 10 hours to it and now the hours in what seems like my never ending days has 500.000 minutes in them! Yea, uh-huh, ok.
Have you ever wanted something/someone or wanted to be somewhere so bad it feels like you might be on the verge of complete and total RIDICULOUS insanity?? This shit is driving me crazy up the walls with no ceiling. My soul is a circle i can't get around and I have developed awkward sleeping patterns. Terribly awkward and erratic sleeping patterns. Actually, i really don’t think there’s much of a pattern.
K, gotta go.
I go out friday night, come home saturday morning and fall into your arms on sunday.
Summer was here. I stayed pale as a winters night.
bymike.
Peace the fuck out.
Tired of certain people. Can't get enough of others. Missing the ones closest to my heart. Pushing away the rest. Wherethefuck is my heart at?
Forget climbing mountains, Im flying home to you.
" You may not be her first, her last, or her only. she loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."
b.m
Lying on the floor, washed by nothing & hanging on.
When i am lonely and longing for your touch, i think of when i used to study your hand lifting your cigarette. The slope of your shoulder, the angle of your hip. The way my heart would stop when your back was bare and you reached for something on the night-stand as your muscles created a perfect shape. I think of the times when i used to look at you sideways, the contour of your lips and the movement they'd make.
I love to examine you in different lights. My love for you is visual. Don't move, i think. Stay like that. Let me have that. For eternity.
I lick my lips at night while standing on the edge with nothing but your voice holding me back.
Late at night thinking of being with you, then being without you again is scaring me shitless. I spend hundreds of thousands of seconds out of my day imagining everything down to the littlest detail, to doing it all over again from a different angle. Repetition never feels as good as when thoughts of our touch is included. The thrill, the chill, the inevitable electricity. I'm just afraid that when i do get the chance to reconcile all the time lost, ill fold. What if we're not meant for each-other? I am playing with fire here, that i am aware of, but it is out of my control. Dear distance please don't force my heart to a place where it doesn't want to be. -Away from you. How will i ever survive tearing myself away and flying a thousand miles from you again?
The one who always remembers your sharp tongue.
It's wearing me out of my skin, this feeling. Out of everything that's safe. I can't even speak your name or anything that sounds like it without my stomach wrenching. You've been blowing my mind and i get so weak and unable to breathe. After all this time, I am learning that missing you is quite tiring. My heartbeat changes speed at every other thought of you and i as i type this i am feeling light headed.
I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world.
Her hands so perfectly polished in a shade of black darker than emptiness self gently touched his fingertips as he kissed her goodnight. They never spoke of it, but they both knew it was their last. He made her believe in everything yet she forgot about the world. She created a "reality" around him and his lovely hands. Oh his lovely hands. The same hands that would touch her every single night while he kissed her neck and the rhythm of his breath rolled her eyes back. Nobody ever made her feel the way he did. There was no way she could explain it, but if you ever loved her in lifetimes before and looked close, i mean really close, her eyes would tell the tales. Love was present in form of everything, everywhere, but it had to end nonetheless. Their worlds kept them apart for too long.
From this moment on she belonged to him forever. Until they would one day meet again and he would make her remember.
091110.
This is a letter to you, my dear.
Throughout my humble 24 years of living i have been blessed with the presence of what i would dare to admit 'the most amazing people on earth'. My close friends and family make me believe in perfection every single day. 10 months ago you took that perfection to another height. You walked into my life in pink and purple balenciaga heels a random night in january and never left my side since. You were never a part of my plan and us building the foundation of this amazing friendship we have today wasn't in my wildest imagination. You touched my heart with the clasp of your hand from the very start. I grew instant care for you and fell in love with all your quirky and lovable ways in going through life. I saw myself in you at so many levels and you got me at every flicker i made. You understood everything about me and it felt so strangely right. I met you in a tough stage of my life. I was looking for somewhere to belong and you made me believe in that again.
The million hours we ever spent talking, laughing our brains out, staring at the sky, dancing till we died, holding hands and pouring our hearts out to one another is something i am forever grateful to have been given. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. So amazingly stunning. You are exquisite and i could write you a song a million miles long and it would never be enough. The comfort you gave me while practically living with each-other for the longest time is a huge part of who i am today. I know it might sound crazy to the commoner that i have this love for you after less than a lifetime, but it's here nonetheless. The amazing conversations we had about life, love and other disasters on our many random nights, ill miss everyday until we meet again. Everything was a little more with you. A little more fun, a little more crazy, a little more careless, a little more perfect and a little more beautiful.
In two months i will be seeing you again. I will be graced with your presence and your wonderful being. You are my favorite shade of light. I can't wait for us to make all our dreams come true. I know you've had a rough couple of months and it has killed me inside knowing that i couldn't be there for you physically. I have tried my best to give you all my words, thoughts and love and i hope it has helped you in some kind of way. The same way you are always attentive of whatever emotions are running fast speed through my heart everyday.
So, thank you for being such a wonderful and inspirational person in my life. I wouldn't be the same without you. Believe me when i try to put to words that you are my love long distance and that i will dance every night away with you=)
Happy birthday Baretz, you i love.
bybj.
Cause we cool like that!
I give to you my b, Mikee! He's my ride and die. We're like one person divided in two bodies. Haha. But for real, there might not be a thing i wouldn't do for this dude. We've been down since the get go and i love him to death. Blood couldn't make us any closer. He's my family. Im hella proud to be a part of his life. He's so fucking dedicated and skilled in whatever he does. We have the most fun ever EVER and i die laughing forever. You know we're meant to do great things right? Anyway, visiting my hotel this weekend I made him model for me coz im a shrimp like that. It turned out hella hot coz he's a bawss and i'm a bawss lady. (whadup mendizzle!)
Holla!
Initials in my ceiling.
Time is of the essence, you run out of it. So if there's even the slightest chance to make'em happy, what are you waiting for?
"I'm not trying to be without you at the right moment". -Drake.
The only thing i know is the chaos in my mind.
"I don't know what to say but it feels like love in a big way. I hold my breath until i've had a look from the inside. "
Heart of gold, covered in ice. Learn to love me.
ByMike.
Pale skin and puffy eyes were always my speciality. Regardless of the hearts surrounding.
A tale of two.
It was never easy to say goodbye, yet they repeated it every night. Not by choice, but by distance. The big blue sea and endless miles of gloomy skies kept them apart for months, sometimes years at a time. She was here, he was there. Were it up to them, they'd both be somewhere. Place wouldn't have mattered. Geography had no meaning as long as they were located in an arm-length of reach from one another. Close enough to touch at every waken moment. Close enough to whisper desired words into the other ear.
Their tale of love started long before their awareness. They were never just friends. They were inevitable. They had to happen. She kept wondering if it was all meant to be. Everything that had occurred in the past. All heartaches and words unsaid.
"It's like they've been reading the same book for the longest time but always been on different pages, getting sleepy at different chapters and put the story to rest at opposite sides of the sun. Like they forgot about the book they were reading, lived life for a while and came upon a series of disappointments only to remember the tale, not realizing it was the only truth. Now, they're finally on the same page, reading the book together and ending it in each-others arms."
I lay beside you on the floor.
I love it when monday isn't just another monday. When sunday, saturday and friday were so wonderful that the normally not so wonderful latter days are spent beautifully re-cap'ing previous moments.
So, this weekend has been one of the most random weekends in a long time. A perfect 4 days rendezvous spent in a different city than my own with even more perfect happenings piled up. I spent most of the weekend at my cousin's. (CLICK CLICK) It. was. marvelous. Simply exquisite. It's always like that whenever we get together. We don't really see each-other as often as we'd like (despite the ridiculous close distance between our current homes), due to extremely busy schedules. Her being a full time wonderful musician with an album waiting to be released this december and me being.. me. I always have a million and one things going on at the same time all over the world and have become somewhat of a champion in packing bags and leaving places at every other turn. Phew. Anyway, what i want to say here is that we have the most fun together! Being "Dahl's", our humor and language when together is known as vulgar and perhaps out of order. It's never the wrong moment to do the latest booty shake or holla if we wanna. We spit raps, love and laugh, eat at magnificent restaurants and pop bottles of wine wherever we are. There's always an occasion to chitter and chatter about life, love and other disasters over a glass. Im gonna miss you when i leave, love.
Now to a new person in my life. I met this wonderful and amazing human being while on my weekend adventure. As known amongst the people in my life, i have quite a hard time letting strangers too close at too fast speed. It always takes time with me. I guess as time is my favorite possession, i use it to the highest level in all of my quirks. Everything from getting to know you, learning to love you, getting ready in the morning and writing you letters. I always drag "the story" out as much as i can so that it will seem like a longer moment, so that it won't end with the telling of it. You know?
Anyway, new found love. At the very glimpse of her she is radiant, she is amazingly beautiful and has this exquisite aura of calmness, truth, security, insecurity, humbleness and experience. We found common ground to stand on or perhaps rather common air to float in, from the first few seconds of conversation. I haven't opened myself up that much to anyone other than my absolute closest friends in a very long time, if even ever? She makes you want to tell her your soul and secrets as the light in her eyes and the tone of her voice makes you believe she'll take care of it forever. She has lived a life one can only dream of or read about in books close to impossible to find. Her many experiences in love, life, happiness, disappointment and truth baffled me with every breath taken. Her way of speech is so amazing and i could listen to her ramble forever. She's so passionate about everything! She made me realize a lot of things in a short amount of time. I wish it didn't end so soon, as i know i won't be seeing her for a very very long time. I hope she finds love. True love. A love that will kiss her at every waken moment. And i hope she knows what an impact she made with me. This woman is such a wonderful artist and amazing person and you would be crazy not to take her words and make them part of your ground.
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